So it’s been a few months since my last post, but this time it wasn’t my fault. Here’s what happened: (short story)

I woke up on a lovely Saturday in April; April 24th, I believe. I made my way downstairs to fix myself a nutritious breakfast and to my surprise there standing in my very own kitchen was no other than “Mad Artheon Meikuzukushi” the most notorious half-Pirate, half-Ninja evil villain of them all!

What, you may ask, was Mad Meikuzukushi doing in MY house? Well, as everyone knows that if a half-Pirate, half-Ninja evil villain sacrifices a suburban black cat to the Ninja/Pirate hybrid Gods, when the moon is full at exactly 2:26am, while standing in a boat made of oak, and holding an onion in your left hand-they can and WILL be the most powerful Ninja/Pirate hybrid for…..one year.

I of course, I have a black cat named Tales. “Tales” (2) for those who do not know, has an origin dating back to ancient times when “The Ninja” and “The Pirate” first fell in love and decided to create a super-hybrid (I may tell this story at a later time). Tales. Definition: the writ by which such persons are summoned.

When, and I am not 100% sure HOW Mad Meikuzukushi found out about my cat, Tales, he felt drawn…you can even say “summoned” to capture him and deliver him to the Gods.

So there I was: Saturday, 8am-kitchen. Mad Meikuzukushi with his soulless eyes, Tales in hand, glaring at me; a shiver ran down my spine. What the heck was going on?!! Then, without warning, without a second thought he was gone, Tales was gone! Mad Meikuzukushi used his Ninja side to escape before I could do anything. But what he left behind was the key to get Tales back, the key to the start of my adventure. I looked at my feet and there lay a scroll in a bottle. Mad Meikuzukushi’s Pirate side had failed him. Silly Pirates-always drunkenly loosing things.

The scroll, conveniently, outlined all what I needed to know. I quickly ran over to the calendar and noticed that April 28th was a full moon. I had to act quickly. I gathered my things and headed out blindly, frantically attempting to gather any clues possible.

If I was a half-Ninja, half-Pirate evil villain, where would I go? Then it hit me…THE ONION! HE NEEDS AN ONION!. I know what you’re thinking now: but where would a half-Ninja, half-Pirate evil villian buy an onion? WELL, that’s OBVIOUS! WHERE PEOPLE ARE USED TO SEEING “ODD” CHARACTERS….WAL_MART! Proof

I jumped on my bike and rode as fast as I could. When I arrived, I scanned the food section: a woman with a mullet, a man with a ferret wearing a fedora and this guy

I almost gave up hope, but then out of the corner of my eye I saw Mad Meikuzukushi in the section of the Miley Cyrus clothing line (yeah, don’t ask me- I don’t know). He didn’t know I was there. I had to think quickly. WHAT defeats a hybrid Ninja/Pirate? I then grabbed…a copy of some “Justin Bieber” CD, the closest CD-player I could find and blasted it. It worked! Mad Meikuzukushi dropped to the ground in agony. Not even the strongest of Ninja/Pirate hybrids could withstand “Baby Baby Baby…” When I thought it was safe, I ran over to grab Tales. BUT THEN SOMETHING HORRIBLE HAPPENED. The CD player (great quality) began to skip giving Mad Meikuzukushi enough time to escape. This time I was ready, this time I was able to see his mode of transportation. A Kawasaki Vulcan cruiser, of course.

Where was he going? As I stood there in thought- BAM I felt a strong hit to the back of my head and I was out! When I came to there stood a mysterious figure. I was in an unknown place. A Clown? Why did a Clown hit me? When I came to he (never caught his name) regaled me with tales of how the first Ninja/Pirate hybrid destroyed his land and killed his family- only 4 survived. From that day on, all Clowns’ mission was to stop any Ninja/Pirate hybrid from becoming “the most powerful Ninja/Pirate hybrid for…..one year.”
How could this Clown help me? Fact: Clowns are very agile, sneaky and darn right creepy. No one wants to mess with a Clown. So I thought: “hey, couldn’t hurt, right?”

The next few days were spent in the Clown’s secret fort (can’t recall where we stayed). We planned our method of attack and researched areas of where the sacrifice HAD to take place. There was only one (sadly I cannot say as I fear any other Ninja/Pirate hybrids will read this and come after me).

And so, we headed off once more and arrived at our destination the morning of the 28th. We didn’t have much time. There were many things to gather. The night was creeping upon us.

The clown and I set up camp at 9:00pm. It was night, the sun had already fallen-we waited.

At 12am Mad Meikuzukushi finally arrived- he had to prepare as well. He made his way on his boat to the middle of the lake [location: not specified for reasons above]. We gathered our things and moved in, slowly behind. When he stopped we were running out of time-it was 1:55am. The clown took charge, jumped Mad Meikuzukushi’s boat and attempt to slay him. That was the end of the Clown. The ultimate mistake every Clown makes and something everyone must know: you cannot, repeat CANNOT destroy a half-Ninja, half-Pirate evil villain with a balloon sword. That was the last time I would join forces with a Clown…just sayin’.

So it was up to me! Mad Meikuzukushi knew I was there! He fought back with ninja stars, cannons and even fish. With my inner strength and the love for my cat fueling me, I avoided all hits but all my supplies and weapons were destroyed. I was panicking, Mad Meikuzukushi knew I held the shorter hand. I couldn’t give up, but yet I didn’t know what else to do! Then there, stuck in the side of my boat, tangled in what was left of the Clown’s bag was my answer!

2:23am! It was time, my heart beat quickly, sweat dripped down my temples. Mad Meikuzukushi raised his left hand-the onion! There he stood on a boat made of oak, the moon was full! Mad Meikuzukushi raised his right hand-there he held his Katana.

I responded, the Clown- he had an iphone! Apparently the Clown was a closet Justin Bieber fan. And you know what happened next. With power and my own personal invisibly cloak [Justin’s Bieber’s tween and 40-year woman, loving voice] I jumped the boat, tied the iPhone to Mad Meikuzukushi and dumped him overboard to his watery abyss-never to be seen from again.

Tales was safe and I didn’t have to listen to Justin Bieber any longer. All was well.

Now to figure out how to get home…

I IZ SAFE

You might be thinking: “well that only counts for like one, two weeks of inactivity. Let me ask you this: “Have you ever had to battle a half-Ninja, half-Pirate evil villain for the sake of your cat?” Plus all that travel time? It’s tiring!!!

Actuality: like all my blogs, this one has followed suit and has fallen in the vortex of my laziness, hopefully I made up for it with creativity.

Advertisements